An interesting conspiracy theory involving Gilligan’s Island, Feds, and drug runners. Credit goes entirely to Adam-Troy Castro

Gilligan's Island Cast

GILLIGAN’S ISLAND. We’ve all seen it, even though most of us hate to admit it. By setting its inane shenanigans on an island peopled by stranded archetypes, it plugs into mythic resonances that cannot avoid how compelling they are even as they wallow in the Just Plain Stupid.

But why are we so fascinated? Can it be that part of recognizes the story behind the story? Can it be that part of us knows it’s not just the idiotic sitcom it seems to be — but a fiendishly plotted crime drama so subtle in execution that we don’t see the evil conspiracy at play? Operate from that opening assumption, and the rest falls into place almost immediately.

The clues are so obvious a child can see them — and, in fact, many children have; they just haven’t recognized what they were seeing as clues. Take the millionaire, Thurston Howell III. We know he’s a spoiled, selfish aristocrat, with nothing but disdain for his social inferiors, and an innate belief that his fortune entitles him to everything. He maintains this stance even while stranded on an uncharted desert isle without a single luxury. One of the glaring questions that’s bothered us for a quarter of a century is: Since the snobbish Howell can presumably afford to buy his own yachts, why would he be interested in a “three-hour tour” aboard a dinky little charter vessel owned by two ex-navy men? And why would he take along a briefcase filled with thousand dollar bills, when one of the perks associated with great wealth is unlimited credit?

Up until now, we responded to such questions by saying that the show was Just Plain Stupid. But let’s assume that creator Sherwood Shwartz knew what he was doing, and that there’s a believable explanation for Howell’s insane behavior.

Hold that thought, while we move on to the next seeming inconsistency.

What was this supposed to be a three hour tour of? Certainly not the local reefs, since there’s no scuba equipment aboard. And certainly not the local shoreline, since when the weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was not only unable to make it to port, but was blown outside Hawaiian territory. It must have been an unusual distance from shore to begin with. And still, no normal tourist site, let alone one miles from shore, can possibly explain the amount of money Howell brought with him. Especially since there aren’t any aquatic shopping malls anywhere near Honolulu. But three hours provides just enough time for a boat the MINNOW’s size, travelling at top speed, to travel a discreet distance from shore, rendezvous with another ship, collect a highly valuable cargo in return for a large amount of cash, and return as if nothing unusual had happened.

The inevitable conclusion: Howell chartered the MINNOW to make a multi-million-dollar drug buy. He’d paid off Gilligan, and the Skipper too. He’d brought along the necessary cash. He even brought along an extensive wardrobe, just in case the coast guard showed up and he had to leave U.S. territory in a hurry. And just to make sure he wasn’t ripped off, he brought along an expert to evaluate the merchandise he was getting.

Who was that expert? Well, look that things from Howell’s point of view. Where could he find a man with the capabilities he needed? Obviously, the criminal community. Somebody known to be involved in illegal drug trafficking. Somebody who might have already had a criminal record. Somebody whose obvious intelligence and highfalutin vocabulary would have stood out like a sore thumb in prison. Somebody who would have been given the kind of nickname such convicts are usually given in prison. The Professor.

There’s plenty of other evidence to support this theory. Fans of GILLIGANS ISLAND trivia know that the enigmatic and vaguely sinister Professor claimed to have held doctorates in several disciplines, though anybody even marginally literate in science can recognize several of his learned pronouncements as the nonsense they are. It’s easy to see that he must have been lying about who he was and why he was aboard. Moreover, he not only brought along a surprising number of test tubes and beakers for a guy on a three hour tour, but he also after the shipwreck turned out to be incredibly adept at synthesizing valuable chemicals from the local flora.

There’s more. At least one of the passengers aboard the MINNOW must have been an innocent bystander with no connection to Howell’s planned drug deal. We know this because Howell and The Professor stuck by their cover stories, in the face of all available evidence, for years after the MINNOW was shipwrecked. But who?

It couldn’t have been Mrs. Howell, since she, like her husband, came with enough clothes for an emergency flight to South America. She had to have known everything that was going on. Indeed, if we discount her “dumb rich bitch” act as the pose it was, we’re forced to recognize her as a conniving dragon lady in the tradition of Imelda Marcos.

And it couldn’t have been Ginger Grant either, since she also brought her entire wardrobe, and, as a big-time movie star, seemed to have no other convincing reasons for being being aboard. Besides, her Hollywood drug connections, a natural gold mine for Howell, provide strong circumstancial evidence for her membership with the conspiracy.

And we already know it couldn’t have been either Gilligan or the Skipper. Because they were running the boat, they had to know what Howell was planning.

Therefore, by process of elimination, the innocent party must have been Mary Anne, a Kansas farm girl who had won a Hawaiian vacation in a contest. Howell and his cronies must have let her on board because failing to do so would have raised undue suspicion among harbor authorities; they probably intended to dump her body at sea. But (and this is where the storyline’s real brilliance begins) they failed to see that she wasn’t who she was pretending to be, either! She couldn’t have been! Vacations given away in contests are always for two people, not one! And Mary Anne, who claimed to have a fiance back home, had no real reason to be travelling alone. Therefore, she must have been maintaining a false identity as well — and since everybody else on the MINNOW was frantically putting on a show for her benefit, she must have been putting on a show for theirs.

The conclusion is inescapable. Mary Anne was a Fed. If the series was a movie made in the 1980s, she would have been played by Debra Winger. But it wasn’t, and her very presence on the boat, presumably wearing a wire, tells us that Howell’s scheme was doomed to failure before it even began. The governemnt already knew what he was planning. It had managed to place an agent right next to him. And she wouldn’t have been there unless her superiors were within surveillance range, poised to bail her out the second she’d gathered all the evidence they needed.

The intrigue continued with the shipwreck itself. Everybody knows that the island was visited way too often, by too many people from too many walks of life, to be truly uncharted. And vital supplies washed up on the beach just about every week — which, as everybody also knows, is way too often to be a coincidence. And people capable of building huts and bicycles out of bamboo should certainly be capable of fixing a three-foot tear in a boat. Once again, everybody responds to such inconsistencies by saying the show was Just Plain Stupid. But since we now know that this is not the case, there has to be an alternate explanation. And there is.

Assume that the shipwreck, as depicted, was real — an actual complication screwing up Howell’s plans. Also assume the radio transmitter did work. Assume that Howell and his cronies found out from one of his agents on shore what we already know — that the federal government was after them for conspiracy to commit a felony. How would they react? Simple. They’d talk it over when Mary Anne was not around, and agree to wait out the statute of limitations on the island…pretending to be stranded, for her benefit. They’d surreptitiously radio away for any supplies they really needed, arranging for it to “wash up on shore” during the night. And they’d work hard to ruin any genuine opportunity for “rescue”. Any visitor who couldn’t be bribed into silence by Howell would be subtly manuevered into a situations where he would prefer to leave the castaways alone. And any escape routes that seemed inevitable would be sabotaged by any means possible, by the castaways themselves, even if that meant they had to act like a bunch of ninnies. And since Howell must have handsomely rewarded any conspirator who successfully foiled an inevitable “rescue”, we’re forced to conclude that the most brilliant, cunning, criminal genius of them all was…yes…Gilligan himself.

Meanwhile, poor Mary Anne’s life would depend upon successfully hiding her own secret from the den of thieves surrounding her. For years on end, she’d have to stay in character, baking literally hundreds of coconut cream pies as she pretended to be fooled by the desperate playacting of six ruthless drug mugglers.

Watch the show with this knowledge in mind, and you’ll recognize it for what it actually is: the single subtlest mystery and suspense series in the history of television. But unfortunately, no last episode, where Mary Anne would succeed in arranging a “rescue” despite all of the mastermind Howell’s attempts to stop her, was ever filmed, so the show keeps its undeserved reputation for being just plain stupid. And lovers of great television mourn.

Interesting article, from Neat-O-Rama, regarding the evolution of the Audi logo. This is taken directly, and credit goes solely to Neat-O-Rama

German engineer August Horch, who used to work for Karl Benz, founded his own automobile company A. Horch & Cie in 1899. A decade later, he was forced out of his own company and set up a new company in another town and continued using the Horch brand. His former partners sued him, and August Horch was forced to look for a new name.

When Horch was talking to his business partner Franz Fikentscher at Franz’s apartment, Franz’s son came up with the name Audi:

During this meeting Franz’s son was quietly studying Latin in a corner of the room. Several times he looked like he was on the verge of saying something but would just swallow his words and continue working, until he finally blurted out, “Father - audiatur et altera pars… wouldn’t it be a good idea to call it audi instead of horch?”. “Horch!” in German means “Hark!” or “listen”, which is “Audi” in Latin. The idea was enthusiastically accepted by everyone attending the meeting. (Source: Wikipedia, A History of Progress (1996) - Chronicle of the Audi AG)

And so Audiwerke GmbH was born in 1910. In 1932, four car makers Audi, Horch, DKW, and Wanderer merged to form Auto Union. The logo of Auto Union, four interlinked rings that would later become the modern Audi logo, was used only in racing cars - the four factories continued to produce cars under their own names and emblems.

Fast forward to 1985 (skipping a whole lot of history), when Auto Union ultimately became the Audi we know today.

A post from The Manoverse. Possibly the best conversation on steak, bacon, and steak-bacon ever:

My last blog revealed how great I thought steak was and today is no different.

A co-worker of mine saw that I was eating a steak and bacon sandwich and asked me if steak-bacon (if it was real) would be my favorite food ever.

I replied to him that it would indeed be my favorite mythical food and that I would treasure it always.

He then asked me if I would marry Steak-Bacon.

I told him “Yes” and every question about Steak-Bacon would also be an affirmative.

I told him I would not only marry Steak-Bacon, I would introduce it to my parents and meet Steak-Bacons parents as well.

That is when he realized what I was up to.

He accused me of only agreeing to meet Steak-Bacons’ parents with the intent eating them.

I admitted it. He asked me if Steak-Bacon and I would have children and if I would even think of eating them.

To that I replied “No.”, I would not eat my Steak-Bacon children but what I would do is support them and hope that someday they would meet someone special, preferrably Gravy so that they could produce grandbabies made from Steak-Bacon and Gravy.

And then I would eat them.

Finally when my dear co-worker decided to get a little personal with his line of questions he asked, “Would you spoon your Steak-Bacon?”.

And thats when I told him…
“You don’t spoon Steak-Bacon…you fork the sh*t out of it.”

Please please please… Go visit this site. It makes me laugh, it makes me cry, it make me feel a slight bit greasy and wanting a blinged out belt buckle.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EnQrPUZ3rY[/youtube]

So glad TWO Audi’s made it into this list: My 19″ Y-Spokes made it at #5, and the R8’s shoes made it at #3. In good company with the #1 pick of the 19’s from the Ferrari 430 Scuderia. From Car and Driver

Rolling Sculpture: The 10 Sexiest Wheels - Top 5

5. 2008 Audi A5

Saab and Porsche popularized the twisted-spoke aesthetic, and Audi makes it its own with the opposing push/pull propeller look. Cast in aluminum, these wheels provide the illusion of fairly thin spokes, visually lightening the stylish, solid-looking A5. Movement implied in the spokes is an echo of the A5’s fluid, dynamic lines. Each pair of fan blades actually comprises one solid, beefy spoke, allowing these none-too-light wheels to carry their share of the nearly two-ton A5.

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4. 2008 Chevrolet Corvette ZR1

The most exotic factory Corvette ever to scorch pavement rides on equally exotic wheels. The ZR1 wears aluminum rollers, 19 inches in diameter in the front and 20 inches in the rear; the latter are also a foot wide. Such giant wheels are necessary to house platter-sized carbon-ceramic rotors 15.5 inches in diameter in the front, very similar to those on the Bugatti Veyron; the rears were plucked from the front of a Ferrari Enzo. One of the few available options on the ZR1 is chrome plating for the wheels, a $2000 flag to be flown by weenies proving they’re undeserving of such a vehicle, as chrome plating adds weight.
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3. 2008 Audi R8

The R8’s nontraditional form took the design world by storm, and what fuels its popularity is honesty, not obfuscation and “flame sculpting” rubbish. Functional simplicity defines the R8’s split-spoke aluminum wheels. Generous airspace between spokes highlights the R8’s huge, eight-piston calipers and cross-drilled rotors in the front and four-piston calipers in the rear. The bow of the spokes adds strength and accentuates width, the measurement associated with fat tires, supercars, and other stuff that makes hearts of the automotively inclined go pitter-patter.
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2. 2008 Alfa Romeo 8C

The 20-inch rotelle on Alfa Romeo’s jaw-dropping 8C are like bespoke cufflinks on a tailored shirt—they bring a little bling and serve to highlight what they’re attached to. Although the wheels might be heavy-looking, they are made from forged aluminum and so are decently light for their size. In a design age of hard lines and crisp transitions, the 8C is a sexy, curvy delight, and its wheels—essentially five “Cs” radiating out from the hub—expand on this philosophy.
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1. 2008 Ferrari 430 Scuderia

To make the F430 (currently the “cheapest” sled from Maranello) capable of lapping Fiorano as fast as an Enzo, Ferrari transformed it into the 430 Scuderia. The power-to-weight ratio was shifted around by adding 20 ponies and pulling out pounds, about 220 of them. Unsprung weight was attacked by installing carbon-ceramic brake rotors and lightweight 19-inch wheels. There’s no fat to trim off this wheel style, similar to that of the wheels on the Porsche GT3, and the gold color helps paint a realistic picture of the car’s quarter-million-dollar price.

Thought this was a neat article from the London Times. Good advice for us all in these stressful times:

Do five simple things a day to stay sane, say scientists

Mark Henderson, Science Editor

Simple activities such as gardening or mending a bicycle can protect mental health and help people to lead more fulfilled and productive lives, a panel of scientists has found.

A “five-a-day” programme of social and personal activities can improve mental wellbeing, much as eating fruit and vegetables enhances physical health, according to Foresight, the government think-tank. Its Mental Capital and Wellbeing report, which was compiled by more than 400 scientists, proposes a campaign modelled on the nutrition initiative, to encourage behaviour that will make people feel better about themselves.

People should try to connect with others, to be active, to take notice of their surroundings, to keep learning and to give to their neighbours and communities, the document says.

Its advice to “take notice” includes suggestions such as “catch sight of the beautiful” and “savour the moment, whether walking to work, eating lunch or talking to friends”. Examples of learning include mending a bike or trying to play a musical instrument.

“A big question in mental wellbeing is what individuals can do,” Felicia Huppert, Professor of Psychology at the University of Cambridge, who led part of the project, said. “We found there are five categories of things that can make a profound difference to people’s wellbeing. Each has evidence behind it.” These actions are so simple that everyone should aim to do them daily, she said, just as they are encouraged to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables.

Critics of the recommendation said that the Government and health professionals ought not to be prescribing individual behaviour in this way. “The implication is that if you don’t do these banal things, you could get seriously mentally ill, and that trivialises serious mental illness. What is happiness, anyway? It’s so subjective,” Claire Fox, director of the Institute of Ideas, said.

Although the report has no immediate policy implications, ministers will pay attention to it because Foresight is headed by the Government’s chief scientist, Professor John Beddington.

The project investigated ways of improving the nation’s “mental capital”, which Professor Beddington likened to a bank account of the mind. “We need to ask what actions can add to that bank account, and what activities can erode that capital,” he said.

The report advocates more flexible working, days after Lord Mandelson, the Business Secretary, announced a review of government plans to extend such arrangements.

Cary Cooper, Professor of Organisational Psychology and Health at the University of Lancaster, a co-ordinator of the report, said: “People who choose to work flexibly are more job-satisfied, healthier and more productive.”

Steps to happiness

Connect
Developing relationships with family, friends, colleagues and neighbours will enrich your life and bring you support

Be active
Sports, hobbies such as gardening or dancing, or just a daily stroll will make you feel good and maintain mobility and fitness

Be curious
Noting the beauty of everyday moments as well as the unusual and reflecting on them helps you to appreciate what matters to you

Learn
Fixing a bike, learning an instrument, cooking – the challenge and satisfaction brings fun and confidence

Give
Helping friends and strangers links your happiness to a wider community and is very rewarding

Source: Foresight report

Greg at The Daily Gut is right on track with his witty reparte (sorry, I can’t make that e thingy with the accent). His lastest Greaglogue, which I suggest everyone reads every day is posted below. An awesome Letter from Mom and Dad, to the College Freshman, and it’s just in time for back-to-school tots:

MONDAY’S GREGALOGUE: A LETTER TO THOSE COLLEGE KIDS

While all of us have been immersed in this financial crisis, we’ve overlooked an equally important development: it’s back to school time – with a lot of young adults leaving their homes for the first time as incoming college freshman.

Now, I don’t have kids. But that shouldn’t make me any less of an expert. If anything, being childless allows me oodles of time to contemplate how to raise them.

And so, before any son or daughter leaves home, it’s vital that the parents offer them sobering advice, which I have devised in this “Letter from Mom and Dad, to the College Freshman.”

“Dear (insert name here), together we wish you luck. We are very proud of you, and know you will achieve great things, if you set your mind to it.

But if you return as a vegan, claiming meat is murder while sporting a nose ring and some mystery Asian tattoo stamped on the crack of your ass – you will not be allowed back in our house. Ever. If you want to make a statement by destroying the body God gave you – then go the whole nine yards, cut off your nose and join a carnival freak show. At least that’s a tangible career move with strong profit potential.

If, in this short time away from home, you have decided that America is at fault for everything in the world, you will be banned from the dinner table. Instead, you’ll be made to sleep in the backyard, crap in a hole you dug yourself while sharing meal scraps with vermin – a fair approximation of what those third world countries your professors admire are like.

We do hope college “opens” your mind, but if you inform us that terrorism is just the powerless speaking to the powerful – then we will blindfold you, tie your arms behind your back and force you to plead for your life. Don’t worry – we won’t behead you. We’ll leave that practice to the powerless.

If, when you come home from school to tell us that the capitalist system is hopelessly corrupt and socialism provides the “only way”– then we ask that you hand over your cell phone, your second-hand car and your credit cards. Practice what you preach, offspring – and reject these trappings of an evil market system. We also want that Ipod we got you for your birthday. But we’re wondering: does it play CDs?

Also, if you feel the need to lecture your father about how corrupt corporations are – remember that he worked 30 years at one so he could afford your tuition - despite paying thousands of dollars to the government, propping up programs that did nothing but pamper the friends – and sensibilities - of the messiah, Obama. If, after that, you still feel like lecturing – you will do it naked. Because we will take the clothes off your back and kick you out on your ass. See how life works when everything we worked so hard for…no longer exists.

Finally, if you really think you’re an individual – meaning, a person who leads instead of follows – then you should easily resist the indoctrination of your delusional professors, misguided dormies and anyone with artificially colored hair. But if you come home, and suddenly you’re “edgy,” “leftist” and “angry,” claiming that the BS you picked up at the campus coffeehouse is somehow better than the common sense we instilled in you – then you’ll need to find new parents.

Don’t worry, we’ll still love you – we just can’t stand you.

How true, how true. Thank Greg… for keeping it real.